2016年06月05日

添削結果:Are food-safety standards strict enough?

フルーツフルイングリッシュに、「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったやつを出しておりました。その返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿4つめ

food_consumption224941.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。



先生からのメッセージ
Hello there,

This is an excellent essay about a very serious topic I think we all need to think more about. Great job.

At (A), we can use "regarding", but the best phrasing for this kind of sentence is "when it comes to ...".

At (C), we believe "that" certain things are true - this is a case where we do need to include the word "that".

At (D), we want to use "every summer" as the time reference clause, and then state what we "commonly hear in the news" - we also use "in the worst case scenario" when we mention extreme consequences.

Restaurant chains are countable, so we don't use "some", but "many" or "several" or "a few here", or even "various."



あ!でた!
またcountableにsomeは使わない、って。


It's most natural to refer to "occasional incidents" or say that "occasionally, there are incidents in which ..."

Finally, I know what you mean to say about the dangers of GM food, and how we usually phrase this is to talk about the "long-term" consequences or effects of doing things, and they they are not known, or unknown.

I hope this helps - wonderful work.


あ〜!!!そうそうlong-term!!!
それは入れないと。


添削結果
Many people are content with the status quo about when it comes to food-safety standards in Japan. They argue that we can depend on the reliability of the food in Japan, protected by strict regulations. I believe, though, that there is still more room to improve the food quality in our country.

First, it is common that every summer every summer, we commonly hear in the news about food poisoning causing many people to get sick or die in the worst case, in the worst case scenario. Some Several restaurant chains sometimes intentionally violate rules at times, which brings about disastrous consequences.(_F)

Second, there are occasionally incidents there are occasional incidents related to food companies, most typically frozen food makers, using production place deception deception at the place of production, as well as forged certificates. Because of this, we cannot trust in what we purchase from supermarkets.

Finally, imported foods food can be harmful. For instance, genetically modified foods pass through inspection because those containing less than 5% of GM crops can be labeled as 'non GM' 'non-GM'. I am afraid of this fact, (K_)since possible results from the long-term effects of eating GM food are still unpredictable not known.

In conclusion, even though Japan is proud of its food safety standards that are strict enough to protect people's lives, something more should be done so that we can believe in what we eat.



以上!!!

まだいくつか復習対象あるんだけど、
次の機会にしようかな。
また今日どこかでできるかな。


posted by Jun at 05:13| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Are consumption taxes a fair way of raising government revenue?

フルーツフルイングリッシュ「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーの返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿3つめ

consumption_tax_ 224602.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのメッセージ
This is a very persuasive essay arguing against the wide use of consumption taxes - I agree with your opinions!

You wrote excellently! You'll see that I added a few commas, so take note of their use above, especially around descriptive clauses, which require them on either end.

After we say what is most logical in the first paragraph, we can most naturally say "for reasons of", though you did not write incorrectly here.

I changed a use of "so" to "therefore" - we can always correctly begin a sentence with "therefore", or join the two sentences and use "so" correctly as a conjunction after a comma.

We can refer to the rate of consumption tax, but it's more efficient and natural to refer to the "consumption tax rate", the way we refer to "computer keyboards" and "strawberry cake", using one noun and an adjective for a second noun.

Finally, in terms of natural phrasing, we want to refer to luxury "goods/items" and the "tax burden" at the end.

I hope this helps you - this is really great work.



じゃ、ひとつひとつ見てみましょう


添削結果
My answer is NO. Most people claim that consumption taxes are the most logical system, because of their for reasons of simplicity and fairness.(_B) Moreover, consumption taxes are known as "sin taxes", as they are usually levied on items like tobacco, alcohol, and other non-essential purchases. However, necessities are still subject to the tax. So Therefore, I believe that necessities are not a fair way shouldn't be taxed.

First of all, consumption taxes impact taxpayers disproportionately even though the tax itself is proportionate. The baseline cost of living does not change as (F)people's income changes. For example, when the rich purchase milk, the price might be negligible for them, but it could be very costly for the poor. From this point of view, consumption taxes are unfair.

In addition, businesses, specifically small businesses, are forced to raise their product prices and service charges according to the (I)consumption tax rate. Due to their being less competitiveness competitive, this could negatively affect their profits. Big businesses, on the other hand, have systems to deal with tax collection, and they always strategically pass along expense increases to customers strategically.

strategically場所が入れ替わってる!

Considering this the unfairness of consumption taxes, I think the government should impose heavier tax taxes on unnecessary, luxury wares items, or they should offer subsidies to the needy in order to relieve their tax burden.

waresがitemsに直されてる!!

だんだん投げやりになってきたわけでは。。。ありませ。。。。N


posted by Jun at 04:48| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Obstacles to nuclear disarmament

「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったやつ。
フルーツフルイングリッシュの返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿2つめ。



nuclear_disarmament_224136.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。



先生からのメッセージ
This is a remarkable essay, and very well argued - you used a very sophisticated vocabulary also, so great job!

By far the biggest issue here is a small one indeed - use of commas. I would suggest reviewing each sentence with an added comma and consider why it was added to mark natural patterns of pausing in both spoken and written English.


ポーズをどこに置くか、て視点で
コンマを配置する。。


Then, we don't want to say "some parts of the world", but "several" is better, because we don't use "some" for countable words, like "parts."


someをcountable に使わないの!??
あ、partsっていう雰囲気の時だけ?

some applesとか言うもんねー。



Also, we need to say, "it is attractive for scientists" when we want to imply that scientists find it attractive to do things.


ん?ここはどうゆうことだ!?


Finally, "deterrence" doesn't quite fit into your last paragraph, but we can have "obstacles to renunciation", which means, things that stand in the way of saying no to nuclear disarmament.

I hope this helps you - very well done!


あ!
obstacles to renunciation!
かっこいい!!


添削結果
I believe there are three main obstacles to nuclear disarmament, while a lot of countries are making huge efforts to discard nuclear weapons.

First, some countries' bureaucrats assert that with nuclear weapons, they can protect themselves in the event of attack. Even up until now, several parts of the world are fighting, and terrorrist terrorist attacks are always threatening nations all over the world. Therefore, they consider their protection more important than nuclear disarmament.

いや!!!
これ、間違えたらあかんやろ!!!
countries'sて!!!
恥ずかしーーーー!!!


Second, in several nations, research and development of nuclear weapons could be a source of national pride. Moreover, on occasion, simply they are attractive for scientists to be content with their achievement in the fieldit is simply attractive for scientists to be content with their achievements in this field.

あ、上のメッセージで書いてあったの、ここね。
it is 形容詞でってことなのかな。


Finally, for disarmament to happen, nuclear material materials must be stored in secure places. We can easily imagine that people do not want them to be located in their neighborhood.
In conclusion, these are three kinds of deterrence to obstacles to the renunciation of nuclear weapons, which is why we are far from peace. kinds of deterrence to renunciation of nuclear weapons that are far from peace., which is why we are far from peace. If we pursue global security, we must be aware of the dangers of nuclear weapons,(K) and the possibility of causing a catastrophe with them.


カンマの指摘されっぷりがすごい!
意識して書いていこう。


posted by Jun at 01:31| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Prevention is better than cure in the battle against crime

「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったのがフルーツフルイングリッシュの添削に出して戻ってきてはいたものの、かなり復習すべきリストとしてたまってました。

で、連続で更新してみる。

prevention_better_than_cure 223167.png

判定
Lv5 PERFECT!

先生からのメッセージ
You make some awkward word choices, particularly with singular/plural noun forms and their articles. However, these are relatively minor points, and your text is very eloquent and accurately written on the whole. Therefore, I think it's worthy of a LV5. However, here are a few tips for future reference:


単複と冠詞ってそれはやっぱりマイナーじゃない気がするんだけど。。
ここはちゃんとしたいなぁ、、日本語にないとはいえ。



When you are referring generally to an unspecified amount/number of things (but more than one), use the plural noun without any article. The reason why "prevention" does not an article is that, unlike the noun "cure", "prevention" is generally considered as a non-countable noun.


preventionは数えられない、ってこと。
ん〜〜、でも、あたしも複数形にしてない気がするんだけどなぁ。。




As for "crime rate", this can be either singular (if you are speaking about the national average crime rate) or plural (if you are talking about the crime rate on a regional or data level). Either is okay.

I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any specific queries regarding my corrections.



じゃ、全体的に見てみよう。

添削結果
I totally agree with the statement that prevention is better than cure [the cure / curing]in the battle against crime. I have several reasons for this.

Our notably low crime rate of in Japan explicitly demonstrates that prevention of crimes is effective enough to keep our life peaceful. Since the government of Japan boasts has strict rules that prohibit guns, Japanese people cannot access easily to guns. guns easily. On the contrary, the US government is concerned about high crime rate [their high crime rate / high crime rates], especially crimes related to guns. If they prohibit guns and dangerous weapons among ordinary people, the their crime rate would be much lower.

Another essential point is that a nation with a higher level of moral education shows lower crime rate [a lower crime rate / lower crime rates]. This expresses shows/demonstrates that prevention through education positively affects safety standards in society.

Japanese people have been taught the importance of moral sentiment and moral judgement. For instance, to respect others' personalities personality, to control oneself, to be honest and sincere and to act with deeper consideration are crucial. Because of a/the lack of such kind of education, people in some countries tend to resort to violent activities.

For these reasons, I am strongly convinced that preventing crimes is more beneficial to society than recovering after crimes dealing with crimes already committed. Even though cure is cures are imperative to fight against crime, it is far easier to reduce crimes with prevention.


確かに、、、ことごとく
単複とか冠詞とか。

あ、そうそう、でも、recovering のところは
提出したあとで、あー変か、って思ってた。


以上!


posted by Jun at 01:07| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年04月17日

TOEFL Speaking Task1,2 練習の英文ライティング添削

週に1回の日記添削に出しているもの。
今週出したものは下記。


Jun_TOEIC_TOEFL_添削20160414.png


添削結果。

Some people (A_) are comfortable with evening classes (_A) and do part-time jobs during the day. I, (B_)on the other hand (_B), believe that (C_) studying in the morning is much more productive than (_C) at night. (D_) So, I am happier attending classes during the day and doing (_D) part-time jobs in the evening. For example, even though I (E_) get exhausted due to (_E) various lessons and a lot of assignments at school, I can still do a part-time job because I do not have to use my brain so much with the work such as (F_) that of a (_F) restaurant server or supermarket cashier. If I work in the morning, I would be too exhausted to concentrate on my studies.


先生からのコメント。

I agree with you. I require a lot more concentration while studying and hence studying in the morning suits me more.

You write with a nice degree of clarity and use good words. The language used is almost perfect. There is just one error that I found


(F)CONSTRUCTION
I have changed this slightly to make better sense.

You can say: I can still do a part-time job because I do not have to use my brain so much with the work such as a restaurant server or supermarket cashier would have to do.


添削結果では
I do not have to use my brain so much with the work such as (F_) that of a (_F) restaurant server or supermarket cashier.
になってるね。

〜の仕事では、って意味が加えられてる、のかな。


(A)(B)(C)(D) (E)ALTERNATE EXPRESSION
These 5 indexes are absolutely correct and need no change. I have only offered alternate expressions for the same.


comfortableとか
get exhaustedとか
あ、そうそう、これも→I, on the other hand , believe that

どれも難しくないけど
書く時になって(しゃべるときも)
出てこないよねぇーーー。
パターンとして蓄積しておいて
それをバラエティ豊かに使えるようになりたい!


Praiseworthy work! Keep it up.



フルーツフルイングリッシュ:受講料全額キャッシュバックキャンペーン〜4/17(日)まで!

posted by Jun at 07:05| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年03月30日

TOEFL Speaking Q1,2対策の英文添削結果

提出したもの。

Let me describe a day that was the most special to me. Among several precious memories, it was when I watched a movie, called "The Eternal Zero." It is a story featuring a Japanese war in which my favorite actor Junichi Okada played a main character. Aside from his fabulous performance, the story itself was beyond description. It demonstrated cruelty and sadness people experienced at that time. I am a person who was born long after the end of the Second World War and fortunately living a peaceful life. I was so impressed by toughness and pureness of people even during the harshest time.


添削結果。
フルーツフルイングリッシュ
JunTOEIC_Fruitful_TOEFL.png


Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント

Hello!

Thank you for this nearly flawless description of your experience watching this movie - great work here, and I'd love to see it someday!

Mostly, we need to work on our article use - it is "the" particular day that was most special to you; and since there was only one main character, he was "the" main character or "he played the lead role". These are both natural expressions!

Then, once you mention the name of the actor, when you write his name this is a descriptive clause and needs commas around both ends of it.

Finally, at (F), it's a great idea to add a verb, and since you say "am a person who", we use "is" here - "who is ..." - this helps complete the sentence.

I hope this helps you - wonderful!



なんかこー、
ツイッターのTLで英作文公開している方がいたりして
その秀逸さにoverwhelmedされたりして
あーこんな幼稚な作文しか書けないよー
とか凹んでみたり

でも、一気にそのレベルとかはいけないから
やっぱりコツコツやるしかないなって思ってます。


posted by Jun at 23:41| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年03月11日

英検準1級, 1級、TOEFL、TOEIC SWライティング対策


夏の試験リニューアルでライティング点数を稼ぐならコレいいね。

ライティングは、各試験のポイントさえ押さえれば
すぐに点数アップにつながるパート。
満点または満点に近い点数が取れれば、
他のパートをカバーしてくれるほどのメリットがある。

準備は徹底的にやらないと。

Makoto先生のライティング試験対策講座



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posted by Jun at 06:26| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする