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2016年06月05日

添削結果:Obstacles to nuclear disarmament

「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったやつ。
フルーツフルイングリッシュの返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿2つめ。



nuclear_disarmament_224136.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。



先生からのメッセージ
This is a remarkable essay, and very well argued - you used a very sophisticated vocabulary also, so great job!

By far the biggest issue here is a small one indeed - use of commas. I would suggest reviewing each sentence with an added comma and consider why it was added to mark natural patterns of pausing in both spoken and written English.


ポーズをどこに置くか、て視点で
コンマを配置する。。


Then, we don't want to say "some parts of the world", but "several" is better, because we don't use "some" for countable words, like "parts."


someをcountable に使わないの!??
あ、partsっていう雰囲気の時だけ?

some applesとか言うもんねー。



Also, we need to say, "it is attractive for scientists" when we want to imply that scientists find it attractive to do things.


ん?ここはどうゆうことだ!?


Finally, "deterrence" doesn't quite fit into your last paragraph, but we can have "obstacles to renunciation", which means, things that stand in the way of saying no to nuclear disarmament.

I hope this helps you - very well done!


あ!
obstacles to renunciation!
かっこいい!!


添削結果
I believe there are three main obstacles to nuclear disarmament, while a lot of countries are making huge efforts to discard nuclear weapons.

First, some countries' bureaucrats assert that with nuclear weapons, they can protect themselves in the event of attack. Even up until now, several parts of the world are fighting, and terrorrist terrorist attacks are always threatening nations all over the world. Therefore, they consider their protection more important than nuclear disarmament.

いや!!!
これ、間違えたらあかんやろ!!!
countries'sて!!!
恥ずかしーーーー!!!


Second, in several nations, research and development of nuclear weapons could be a source of national pride. Moreover, on occasion, simply they are attractive for scientists to be content with their achievement in the fieldit is simply attractive for scientists to be content with their achievements in this field.

あ、上のメッセージで書いてあったの、ここね。
it is 形容詞でってことなのかな。


Finally, for disarmament to happen, nuclear material materials must be stored in secure places. We can easily imagine that people do not want them to be located in their neighborhood.
In conclusion, these are three kinds of deterrence to obstacles to the renunciation of nuclear weapons, which is why we are far from peace. kinds of deterrence to renunciation of nuclear weapons that are far from peace., which is why we are far from peace. If we pursue global security, we must be aware of the dangers of nuclear weapons,(K) and the possibility of causing a catastrophe with them.


カンマの指摘されっぷりがすごい!
意識して書いていこう。


posted by Jun at 01:31| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Prevention is better than cure in the battle against crime

「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったのがフルーツフルイングリッシュの添削に出して戻ってきてはいたものの、かなり復習すべきリストとしてたまってました。

で、連続で更新してみる。

prevention_better_than_cure 223167.png

判定
Lv5 PERFECT!

先生からのメッセージ
You make some awkward word choices, particularly with singular/plural noun forms and their articles. However, these are relatively minor points, and your text is very eloquent and accurately written on the whole. Therefore, I think it's worthy of a LV5. However, here are a few tips for future reference:


単複と冠詞ってそれはやっぱりマイナーじゃない気がするんだけど。。
ここはちゃんとしたいなぁ、、日本語にないとはいえ。



When you are referring generally to an unspecified amount/number of things (but more than one), use the plural noun without any article. The reason why "prevention" does not an article is that, unlike the noun "cure", "prevention" is generally considered as a non-countable noun.


preventionは数えられない、ってこと。
ん〜〜、でも、あたしも複数形にしてない気がするんだけどなぁ。。




As for "crime rate", this can be either singular (if you are speaking about the national average crime rate) or plural (if you are talking about the crime rate on a regional or data level). Either is okay.

I hope this helps! Please let me know if you have any specific queries regarding my corrections.



じゃ、全体的に見てみよう。

添削結果
I totally agree with the statement that prevention is better than cure [the cure / curing]in the battle against crime. I have several reasons for this.

Our notably low crime rate of in Japan explicitly demonstrates that prevention of crimes is effective enough to keep our life peaceful. Since the government of Japan boasts has strict rules that prohibit guns, Japanese people cannot access easily to guns. guns easily. On the contrary, the US government is concerned about high crime rate [their high crime rate / high crime rates], especially crimes related to guns. If they prohibit guns and dangerous weapons among ordinary people, the their crime rate would be much lower.

Another essential point is that a nation with a higher level of moral education shows lower crime rate [a lower crime rate / lower crime rates]. This expresses shows/demonstrates that prevention through education positively affects safety standards in society.

Japanese people have been taught the importance of moral sentiment and moral judgement. For instance, to respect others' personalities personality, to control oneself, to be honest and sincere and to act with deeper consideration are crucial. Because of a/the lack of such kind of education, people in some countries tend to resort to violent activities.

For these reasons, I am strongly convinced that preventing crimes is more beneficial to society than recovering after crimes dealing with crimes already committed. Even though cure is cures are imperative to fight against crime, it is far easier to reduce crimes with prevention.


確かに、、、ことごとく
単複とか冠詞とか。

あ、そうそう、でも、recovering のところは
提出したあとで、あー変か、って思ってた。


以上!


posted by Jun at 01:07| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年04月17日

TOEFL Speaking Task1,2 練習の英文ライティング添削

週に1回の日記添削に出しているもの。
今週出したものは下記。


Jun_TOEIC_TOEFL_添削20160414.png


添削結果。

Some people (A_) are comfortable with evening classes (_A) and do part-time jobs during the day. I, (B_)on the other hand (_B), believe that (C_) studying in the morning is much more productive than (_C) at night. (D_) So, I am happier attending classes during the day and doing (_D) part-time jobs in the evening. For example, even though I (E_) get exhausted due to (_E) various lessons and a lot of assignments at school, I can still do a part-time job because I do not have to use my brain so much with the work such as (F_) that of a (_F) restaurant server or supermarket cashier. If I work in the morning, I would be too exhausted to concentrate on my studies.


先生からのコメント。

I agree with you. I require a lot more concentration while studying and hence studying in the morning suits me more.

You write with a nice degree of clarity and use good words. The language used is almost perfect. There is just one error that I found


(F)CONSTRUCTION
I have changed this slightly to make better sense.

You can say: I can still do a part-time job because I do not have to use my brain so much with the work such as a restaurant server or supermarket cashier would have to do.


添削結果では
I do not have to use my brain so much with the work such as (F_) that of a (_F) restaurant server or supermarket cashier.
になってるね。

〜の仕事では、って意味が加えられてる、のかな。


(A)(B)(C)(D) (E)ALTERNATE EXPRESSION
These 5 indexes are absolutely correct and need no change. I have only offered alternate expressions for the same.


comfortableとか
get exhaustedとか
あ、そうそう、これも→I, on the other hand , believe that

どれも難しくないけど
書く時になって(しゃべるときも)
出てこないよねぇーーー。
パターンとして蓄積しておいて
それをバラエティ豊かに使えるようになりたい!


Praiseworthy work! Keep it up.



フルーツフルイングリッシュ:受講料全額キャッシュバックキャンペーン〜4/17(日)まで!

posted by Jun at 07:05| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年03月30日

TOEFL Speaking Q1,2対策の英文添削結果

提出したもの。

Let me describe a day that was the most special to me. Among several precious memories, it was when I watched a movie, called "The Eternal Zero." It is a story featuring a Japanese war in which my favorite actor Junichi Okada played a main character. Aside from his fabulous performance, the story itself was beyond description. It demonstrated cruelty and sadness people experienced at that time. I am a person who was born long after the end of the Second World War and fortunately living a peaceful life. I was so impressed by toughness and pureness of people even during the harshest time.


添削結果。
フルーツフルイングリッシュ
JunTOEIC_Fruitful_TOEFL.png


Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント

Hello!

Thank you for this nearly flawless description of your experience watching this movie - great work here, and I'd love to see it someday!

Mostly, we need to work on our article use - it is "the" particular day that was most special to you; and since there was only one main character, he was "the" main character or "he played the lead role". These are both natural expressions!

Then, once you mention the name of the actor, when you write his name this is a descriptive clause and needs commas around both ends of it.

Finally, at (F), it's a great idea to add a verb, and since you say "am a person who", we use "is" here - "who is ..." - this helps complete the sentence.

I hope this helps you - wonderful!



なんかこー、
ツイッターのTLで英作文公開している方がいたりして
その秀逸さにoverwhelmedされたりして
あーこんな幼稚な作文しか書けないよー
とか凹んでみたり

でも、一気にそのレベルとかはいけないから
やっぱりコツコツやるしかないなって思ってます。


posted by Jun at 23:41| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年03月11日

英検準1級, 1級、TOEFL、TOEIC SWライティング対策


夏の試験リニューアルでライティング点数を稼ぐならコレいいね。

ライティングは、各試験のポイントさえ押さえれば
すぐに点数アップにつながるパート。
満点または満点に近い点数が取れれば、
他のパートをカバーしてくれるほどのメリットがある。

準備は徹底的にやらないと。

Makoto先生のライティング試験対策講座



受講料金 29,160円<税込>
26,244円<税込>
※この料金のほかに通常の自由作文を利用する際の英作文チケットが必要です。英作文チケットは、作文600文字(約100単語)ごとにチケット2枚が必要です。この講座全体で必要となるチケット枚数は16〜22枚程度です。実際提出される作文量によって前後します。

・マンツーマン添削指導<全5回>
・予習テキスト「ライティング試験対策ナビブック」
 ※内容は「英検1級ライティング対策ナビブック」とほぼ同じです。
・8冊の試験対策レポート
・質問し放題(添削結果について無制限で質問ができます)


<課題配信予定日>
予習テキスト配布 3/28(月)
初回 3/28(月)
第2回 4/11(月)
第3回 4/25(月)
第4回 5/9(月)
最終回 5/23(月)

posted by Jun at 06:26| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年03月07日

懇親会のスピーチを添削に出してみた


フルーツフルイングリッシュの添削に、先日のスピーチを出してみました。

600字にしないと、500円ですまないので
ちょっとだけ削ってあります。

そして、ネイティブが読んだらどう思うか、っていうのを
知りたくて、今回はネイティブ講師を指定しました。

(添削前)
Personally, among several kinds of English exams, TOEIC is the one that I (A) tackle most seriously and which makes me extremely excited. TOEIC is a kind of game (B) , a game (C) formidably challenging (D) as I think I'll never be able to overcome (E) . That is also what makes TOEIC totally fascinating . In May, we will go on to another stage of TOEIC with a new style of questions. At first, it'll be really demanding. Everyone will face some uphill battles. But I believe we will all weather (F) the difficult period of time (G) before long. No need to be scared. We can do it!

(添削後)
Personally, among several kinds of English exams, TOEIC is the one that I (A) take the most seriously and which makes me extremely excited. TOEIC is a kind of game (B) to me, a game (C) so formidably challenging (D) that I think I'll never be able to overcome (E) it. That is also what makes TOEIC totally fascinating . In May, we will go on to another stage of TOEIC with a new style of questions. At first, it'll be really demanding. Everyone will face some uphill battles. But I believe we will all weather (F) this difficult period (G) and come out on top. No need to be scared. We can do it!

(コメント)Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。
Hi Jun,

Well done, this is a great diary. You have written very idiomatically, so your writing seems very natural!


へぇ〜、idiomaticallyならnaturalなんだ!
それは良かった!

Let me make a few comments:

(A) 'Tackle' is OK here, but it is more natural to 'take something seriously.'


(B) It seems like a game 'to you.' To others, it probably isn't so fun!

to meが挿入された。

(C) (D) I think it is better to use a 'so... that...' pattern here.
Another option is:
"a formidably challenging game because I think I'll never be able to overcome it."
Both these options are OK!


あー、そっか。
そうかも。

なんでasにしたのかな。

(E) You must write the object of the verb 'overcome.'

目的語が必要です。
あ、最初は、関係代名詞とかにしてたのかな。
スピーチを考え始めるときに。


(F) Here, I recommend using 'this' for emphasis. Also, 'of time' is not needed.

そうかも。
英検のサンプルスピーチ覚えてるときに、
for long period of time っていうのがあって
それを使ってみたのでした。てへぺろ。

(G) Usually, if you use the verb 'weather' it is best to write the final goal. Here, the goal you want is to 'succeed at the test'. I recommend 'come out on top' as an idiomatic phrase for 'to succeed.'

weatherを使うときには、
最終ゴールを書くのが良い。


そして、come out on top かーーー。へぇー。

Good job!


Thank you so much!!


posted by Jun at 14:41| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年01月16日

TOEFL, 英検1級対策の英文ライティングの添削結果



フルーツフルの添削結果。

先週分です。

JunTOEIC_essay.png

Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


LV5がもらえない。。


今回は、
日本人でもネイティブでもどちらでもOK

っていう講師指定にしました。

日本人の先生から戻ってきました。

こんにちは。大変 興味深く拝読させていただきました。確かに友情を長く続けていくためには ある程度共通のものが必要だと思います。

(A)(B)ここは面倒でもmake friends with等できちんと表現した方がベターなように思います。表現に変化をつけるのであれば、Some people prefer to choose friends having different personalities and interests from themselves,..を応用してみてもいいと思います

(C)sense of humorやsense of taste等のようにofを伴っての表現の方が多いように思います(D)(E)(F)時制ですが、習慣的にとらえていいと思うので、現在形でいいと思います。

(D)に関してはattendはかなりニュートラルで物理的なニュアンスになるのでjoinの方がベターかと思います。

ただ全体的には大変うまくまとめていらっしゃり非常に読みやすかったです。
次回の日記も楽しみにしております。


面倒でも!

そうですねぇ。。
たぶん、メンドクサイとかは考えてなくて
make friends with っていうのを
思いつかなかっただけだと思います。
でも、おかげで覚えられそうです。


しかも、時制かぁ。。

日本人の先生の方が厳しい気がいつもするんだけど

(だからネイティブをいつも選んでる!?)

勉強になります!

あと、sense of humor, sense of taste
これは自然に使えるようになりたい!
スピーキングでも。

っていうか、
今日初めて思ったんだけど、
日本人の先生の方が

文化的背景を共有してるから
この言い方をしてる時は
おそらくこれ言いたいんだろう、
ってことを推測してくれて

そして、それがだいたい当たってて

それに適したアドバイスをくれるのかも!??



え!?
そうゆうこと!???


うん!
今気づいた!

日本人指定で出そうかな、これから。

厳しいと凹むんだよねぇ、、、、


posted by Jun at 10:23| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする