ビジネス英会話のビズメイツ!!

2016年06月19日

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Should abortion be illegal?

6/26までお得に英作文チケットが買える、英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュ

英検1級二次試験向けのスピーチを作って暗唱、
4連投目。


★提出したもの
228679_abortion.png

Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

★先生からのメッセージ
This is a very compelling argument in favor of abortion being legal. You wrote almost perfectly, and many of my revisions are just alternate expressions for you, so let's look at the actual errors here.

First, we need to remember to add commas after context-setting clauses at the beginning of the sentence, like "Therefore" and "Here".

Then, we need to refer to "the legalization of abortion", since you are talking about a specific thing being legalized.

Also, it's not wrong to say "that are against their will", but we can also remove the "that are" and the sentence is more clear and efficiently rendered.

Finally, we don't give "birth" but "a birth"; and we need commas between adjectives that are describing the same noun, as in, "harsh, low quality life."

I hope this helps you - excellent job!


compelling 強制的な、従わざるを得ない、抵抗し難い、抑えきれない, 説得力のある



★添削結果
 There are many controversial topics in this world, and abortion is one of them. Despite a great number of arguments against the legalization of abortion, I am pro-choice for a couple of reasons.

 First, all women should be able to make their own choices about their body and health and well-being. Women deserve the autonomy and dignity to act in accordance with according to their personal convictions,(_C) and to decide what is best for their own lives and families. Therefore, they should not be forced by the government into personal reproductive decisions that are against their will.

 Second, some people assert that abortion is equivalent to murder, but from when does a human life begin? A fetus can be a human life without having the same rights as the woman in whose body it resides. However, it doesn't feel anything nor or remember anything. It is a piece of human tissue, like an egg. A zygote isn't a baby. From this point of view, abortion is not the killing at all.

 Finally, it is just complacency when a woman decides to give a birth in spite of despite a lack of a proper environment for her to raise a child. Here, let us not consider abortion in cases of rape or an unborn child affected by the genetic disorder. For instance, if a single woman with no income has to raise a child, the child would be forced to live a harsh, low quality life. A sense of responsibility should be prioritized in such a case. Every child has the right to be happy.

 These are the reasons why I believe abortion should be kept legal.

------------------------
in spite of はdespite とそのまま置き換えられるのか。。despiteのほうがいいのか。

なんかいろいろと冠詞のミスが多い。
あとはカンマ。。。


以上!4連投でした。
引き続き、英検1級虹スピーチ作って暗唱→添削、がんばります。





posted by Jun at 20:15| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Should the Japanese government abolish nuclear power plants? --> NO

6/26までお得に英作文チケットが買える、英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュ
早速このチャンスに買いだめしておきました。


英検1級二次試験向けのスピーチを作って暗唱、
3連投目。


★提出したもの
227876_nuclear2.png


Lv5 PERFECT!


またまた✨!
さっきの先生とは違う人です。
いつもの甘い先生とも違う人です。


★先生からのメッセージ
Although you make a few minor grammatical errors and slightly unnatural word choices, your arguments are clear, concise, and convincing. For the most part, this is a very well-written and eloquent text indeed, and despite some minor quibbles, I think it is deserving of a LV5. Nevertheless, I hope you find my corrections of some use.

quibble 1(大事な問題点をはぐらかすための)あいまいな言葉; 言い抜け,へ理屈,こじつけ.2つまらない議論,難癖.


★添削結果

 Although some people argue that the Japanese government should abolish nuclear power plants, I believe that it they should be promoted more expanded / furthered for several reasons.

 First, nuclear power is a form of clean energy that can dramatically reduce CO2 emissions and thus can alleviate global warming. Our country has decided to slash its greenhouse gas emissions by 26 percent by 2030 from 2013 levels. from 2013 levels by 2030.Japan, the world's fifth largest emitter of greenhouse gases, relies on the advantages of nuclear power generation to achieve the this goal.

 Second Secondly, the low cost and the stable supply of uranium makes power generation cost-effective. Since oil and gases gas are largely dependent on countries in the Middle East, the supply of fossil fuels is unstable.

 Finally, keeping nuclear power plants in operation brings about enormous economic benefits, especially to the areas which hold house the facilities. Local host communities are granted subsidies by the government and the their employment rate is also improved.

 In conclusion, even though this issue is controversial, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Through promoting nuclear power generation, Japan can cut the amount of CO2 emissions, enjoy a stable power supply and benefit local host areas allow local host areas to benefit economically.


furthered か〜。

あと、a stable power supply になるの!?へぇ。




posted by Jun at 20:02| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Should the Japanese government abolish nuclear power plants? --> YES

6/26までお得に英作文チケットが買える、英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュ

英検1級二次試験向けのスピーチを作って暗唱、
2連投目。


★提出したもの
227737_nuclear.png


Lv5 PERFECT!


いぇいっ✨!


★先生からのメッセージ
Nuclear power generation indeed has both advantages and disadvantages. It becomes extremely difficult to take a decision concerning the generation of nuclear power.
However, when one thinks of the problems that it can cause, one only shudders with fear.

It is a pleasure to read your entry as you write with a lot of clarity and express yourself very well. The sentences have been formed with a lot of care. There is just one error that I found

(E)SPELLING
I have corrected the spelling of the word which is most probably a typing error.


(A)(B) (C) (D) (F) (G) (H) (I) (J) (K)……..ALTERNATE EXPRESSIONS

The sentences written by you are absolutely correct and need no change.
I have only offered some alternate expressions


Commendable effort



shudder (恐れ・寒さなどで)震える

あ、ほんとだ。
casedって。
causedなのにね。
ふつーにタイポ。


★添削結果

 Nuclear power generation has (several →) a number of advantages such as being clean energy, stable supply of uranium and economic benefits in the areas of the power plants. ( I believe, however, it should be abolished for safety reasons.→) Nevertheless, I am of the opinion that it  should be abolished for the following reasons.

 First, nuclear power is a double-edged sword. It always carries a potential risk of ( causing →) resulting in devastating accidents such as Fukushima disasters. ( When a large earthquake hit the country in 2011 →)In the year 2011, when a large earthquake struck Japan, several damaged nuclear power plants dissipated radioactive materials. The effects cased caused by the leakage have not been confirmed yet and it could( negatively affect →)have a negative impact on the (_F)future generations.

 Second, ( if nuclear power plants are targeted by terrorist attacks →) in the event that nuclear power plants are targeted by terrorists, it could( cause radiation leakage and bring about immense →) lead to radiation leakage and bring about colossal damage to the local environment.( Avoiding nuclear power generation would allow us to evade such dangers. →) Giving up nuclear power generation would help us escape such dangers.

 ( Finally →) Last but not the least, the most important issue is that there is no safe way( to dispose of →) of getting rid of nuclear wastes. Currently nuclear wastes are collected and stored deep underground. It poses threats to the environment due to its extremely long half-life.



LV5はやっぱりいつでも嬉しいです。

間違いではないってことで取り消し線と赤字じゃなくて
太字でalternative expressionsを書きました。



posted by Jun at 19:44| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:If your family was abducted by the North Korean government, would you support the idea of Japan's threatening North Korea with a possible military action?

6/26までお得に英作文チケットが買える、英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュ

英検1級二次試験向けのスピーチを作って暗唱してます。
その後、添削に出して、細かい文法などを見直してます。

復習がたまってきたので、ここらで公開。


★提出したもの
227070_if_abducted.png

Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


★先生からのメッセージ
This is yet another excellent essay arguing for not fighting with another country - it can be a brave choice, choosing peace, I believe ... very well written here.

Let's see ... it's not wrong to say "would" at the beginning, but in cases like this, we normally talk about what we "should" or "should not".

You'll also see that I changed your use of "it" to "this" in a couple of instances; "this" best directly references what comes right before in the previous sentence, and is more immediate and direct.

It's not just disheartening, but disheartening "to learn" or "to discover" things; and it can be hard to determine which adjective to write first when qualifying a noun, but we would write "innocent Japanese" and not "Japanese innocent", because we want to keep the most defining adjective closest to the noun it qualifies (like "a red velvet dress" or "a tall Nordic man").

Finally, Article 9 is a proper noun so it doesn't need an article to qualify it; and when we say "any other" we mean "any single other", so we need to say "any other country" and not "countries" here - it's "all other countries" or "any other country."

I hope this helps you - fabulous work!





★添削結果
 It is difficult to decide whether or not I would should support the idea of Japan's threatening North Korea, if a family member was abducted by the North Korean government. Many people would support Japan's military actions against the country Korea, but I dare to choose the opposite viewpoint here. I will elaborate on my reasons for this.


 First of all, the abductions have nothing to do with the use of military force. It was absolutely disheartening to discover that a lot of many innocent Japanese Japanese innocent people were seized and many of them have not returned yet. But However, it this is totally different from violent attacks from North Korea, like missile attacks to on our country. From this point of view, I believe we should not mix up the individual issues.


 Second, we should follow the Constitution of Japan, although the Japanese government is trying to change the Article 9, which outlaws war as a means to settle of settling international disputes. Whatever the case, we should not support the idea of Japan's military actions against any other countries country if it becomes legal.

 Finally, if we proceeded with the policy, "An eye for an eye", it this would probably cause another conflict, making it hard to maintain international peace. I think there are ways to communicate without resorting to violence and understand mutually by fostering mutual understanding.(_N) We could ask for help from other countries such as China and the U.S. and stick to peaceful solutions ever .


.... 最後の渾身の ever は言及もされずに無残にも削除されていた。。


以上!
まだまだ続きます。


posted by Jun at 19:34| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年06月05日

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Why do you think there are few referenda in making important decisions in Japan?


英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから添削結果。連投3個目。今戻ってきてる添削結果はこれが最後です。


226894_referenda.png

好評
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント
Thank you for this excellent essay about a subject I know so little about - now I can understand it much better!

You did well to write "referenda", though we can also write "referendums" or at times, "a referendum", depending on the context, as you can see above.

We have trends "in" things like popular music; and since you mean that people in other countries listen to the same hit songs regularly and currently, let's use present and not past tense here


あ、過去形になってた?
それはおそらく意図してないです、、



Finally, make sure to use articles to qualify countable nouns like mobocracy and amount of money, and to pluralize words like plebiscite when you meant to use these nouns in a general sense!

I hope this helps you - great job!


a mobocracy
とか
plebiscites
とかになるのか〜。

なれない単語を使うと(なれてる単語でも)こうなる。


添削結果

There are a couple of reasons for that there are so few referenda in Japan. Let me talk about my opinions on it about this matter.

First of all, I believe one of the characteristics of Japanese people is to be capricious. We are apt to get bored easily(B) and forget many things in a short period. For example, trends of in popular music change quickly in our country compared to in other nations. People in other countries listened to the same hit songs for more than 6 months or even longer. If such citizens like us have the power to vote directly on important selection decisions, the country itself could be become unstable. This is why it is better for the representatives we have chosen to make important judgements.

Second, referenda itself themselves tends tend to cause a mobocracy or Ochlocracy because most people are unfamiliar with politics and do not have knowledge of effective governmental operations.

Moreover, if we hold a referenda, a tremendous amount of money and time are needed. Even when some cases prefer decisions by plebiscite plebiscites, we lack resources, including human resources, making the results meaningless.

These are the reasons why there are few referenda in for making crucial decisions in Japan.


以上です!
このへんの政治ネタは本当に苦手。

でもこうやって苦手だからこそやって
語彙とか表現とか身につけていきたいなと思います。

やってなければずっとわかんないままだもんね。


posted by Jun at 16:59| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Politics is the art of compromise. Do you agree?


英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから添削結果。連投2個目

226695_politics_compromise.png

好評
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント
This is another extremely thoughtful and well-argued essay; thank you for your great efforts. Your writing is impeccable and your errors very subtle and minor!

We can insist "only on our way", but a more common expression is to insist on "our way alone" if we want things to go only our way.

We don't say "contrary" but "on the contrary" to introduce an opposing opinion in a sentence.

There is no need to say "and eventually" - we don't want to start sentences with "and", and "eventually" has the effect of saying "and in the end", so we can just use this word.

Finally, since at the end, you mean "in any given, particular situation", we actually use the article "the" and not "a".

I hope this helps you! Excellent work!


our way aloneはこの機会に覚えちゃいたいです。
では、早速細かく見ていきます



添削結果
I totally agree with the statement that politics is the art of compromise, for several reasons.
First of all, politicians who insist only on their way on their way alone are dangerous on a number of levels. Rarely are these positions based on data or evidence or science.

Contrary On the contrary, effective politicians are pragmatic and pragmatism welcomes compromise. When more than one party discusses a topic, each member gets to know his or her counterpart's arguments, and then they can revise their strategies. And eEventually, they can reach the best solution.

あ〜。his or herを入れないとダメなのか、なるほど!
on the contraryについてはなぜそのようなミスをおかしたのか自分でもわかりません。。

Second, almost all no issues that should be dealt with are not all-or-nothing matters. Let's take an the example of the US military base in Okinawa. Many residents are against keeping the base there because of security reasons. However, due to the location of the Okinawa islands facing to North Korea and China, they need protection by the US military. Even though we hear sometimes sometimes hear sad news about crimes committed by US military soldiers, we have to understand that it this is a political trade-off.
In conclusion, although some people do not like taking (M)a middle way between extremes, I believe compromise is vital to successful politics.


意外とcorrectionは少なかった。

それにしても、コンマが足りない箇所が毎回複数箇所ある。
国語の小学生の作文で句読点がないのと同じことなのだろう。


以上!

posted by Jun at 16:44| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Juggling work, marriage, and childrearing


英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから添削がどんどん戻ってきてるので、またまた「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーの返却結果の復習です。ここから3つ投稿します。
放置したらまたたまっちゃうので。。っていうか、作って覚えようコーナーの頻度が高いから、これくらいになっちゃうんだよねー(笑。週3回かそれくらい。



226110_Juggling.png

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのコメント
Great job with the essay! I am very proud to see that you had written about such an important topic as gender equality.
For this assignment, I suggest you pay particular attention the corrections regarding sentence structure.

Also, for even more natural English, consider removing first person from your argument. Usually in persuasive and academic essays, words like "I", "me", and "we" are avoided. Instead passive tenses should be used. So, in place of "Also, I believe that the most essential is not to feel guilty about not being able to do everything perfectly," consider the phrasing: Also, removing guilt for not being able to do everything perfectly is essential."


おぉーー!!
これはありがたい。
なんか新しいアドバイス。

一人称使わないほうがいいって
どこかで聞いたことある気がするんだけど
こうやってまともに言われたの初めてかも。

エッセイとかスピーチとか
英検とかTOEFLの試験の特性を考えると
絶対一人称使わないほうが良いってこともない気がするけど
academicな視点からかっこいい文章を作るなら
そのほうが良いよねぇ。

一人称だと幼稚になっちゃうかな。
「あたしはぁ〜、こう思うんですけどぉ〜、てへぺろ」みたいな。
(完全に妄想の世界です)




Also, in regards to your argument in general, in the beginning, you state that "women have achieved gender equality", but your following body paragraphs argue that women still have much to worry about that men do not. Be careful not to contradict yourself in this kind of way.
Keep up the great work!


え!?
contradict myselfしてた!?
ぜんっぜん気付かず。

っていうか、この先生いいね。
論文対策じゃなくて(普通のチケット料金だけで使える自由作文なので)先生側の観点はいつもは文法的な、とか、パラフレーズとか、英語として自然かどうか、とかなんだけど、academicなessayとしてどうか、っていう論理的な構造とか、どう書けばかっこいいか、っていう視点で添削してくれてる!この先生いいねぇ、できれば今後、指名したいくらいだ(別料金なのでやりませんが)。


では、感動はここらへんでおいといて
細かく見ていきましょう。


添削結果

Let me talk about mothers in our country, juggling work, marriage and childrearing child-rearing. Women have gained achieved gender equality in society and a lot of mothers are actually working while raising children. However, I have heard that many of them are experiencing depression from feeling like they are not doing well all the tasks. At work they are required to demonstrate perform excellent performanceexcellently and at home, their children need they are required to provide love, attention, guidance, support and protection to their children. In addition, their partners need them, too.

One of the culprits problems could be deep-rooted cultural assumptions about women's positions roles in and outside home. In Japan, traditional ways of thinking are still predominant when it comes to raising children and doing household chores. For example, when working moms go to work with children left behind and leave their children behind, relatives and even neighbours come to have reservations about the kids' mental and physical development.

この。。
渾身の culprits と 付帯状況のwithがいとも簡単に訂正されてるっていう。。

Another cause might be women's desire to be perfect. They aspire to make some achievement to achieve at work. The reality, however, is totally different. After coming back home, babies are tired and cranky, there are dinner dinners to make, dirty dishes are stacked in the sink from breakfast and a heap heaps of laundry to deal with. Exhausted with these tasks, they might make mistakes at work next day. Then job security can be at risk.

いろいろ直されてる。
areが挿入されてるのは
文を分けちゃったのねー。
あたしはdinnersからlaundryまで1センテンスだったのだけど。
1文が長すぎるという指摘をよくもらうので、
ここもその問題なのかもしれない。


To solve these problems, to involve involving their partners is important. To stay connected with friends and their own mothers is helpful as well. Also, I believe that the most essential is not to feel guilty about inability not being able to do everything perfectly. ItMotherhood is just temporary. Eventually their kids grow and they can be free.

やっぱり直されたか、involvingに。
不定詞を使うのは冒険だったので、そっか、って。

inability はnotっていう否定語を使わなく済むようにがんばったのだけどそうでもなかったみたいね。
not being able

Motherhoodが補われてるから
やっぱりこの先生はかなり中身重視だなぁ。

最後のtheirの除去については
motherhoodを補ったところも含め
一般化してるんだろうなぁ。


以上!

今日はあと2個まとめる


posted by Jun at 16:31| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする