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2016年06月05日

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Why do you think there are few referenda in making important decisions in Japan?


英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから添削結果。連投3個目。今戻ってきてる添削結果はこれが最後です。


226894_referenda.png

好評
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント
Thank you for this excellent essay about a subject I know so little about - now I can understand it much better!

You did well to write "referenda", though we can also write "referendums" or at times, "a referendum", depending on the context, as you can see above.

We have trends "in" things like popular music; and since you mean that people in other countries listen to the same hit songs regularly and currently, let's use present and not past tense here


あ、過去形になってた?
それはおそらく意図してないです、、



Finally, make sure to use articles to qualify countable nouns like mobocracy and amount of money, and to pluralize words like plebiscite when you meant to use these nouns in a general sense!

I hope this helps you - great job!


a mobocracy
とか
plebiscites
とかになるのか〜。

なれない単語を使うと(なれてる単語でも)こうなる。


添削結果

There are a couple of reasons for that there are so few referenda in Japan. Let me talk about my opinions on it about this matter.

First of all, I believe one of the characteristics of Japanese people is to be capricious. We are apt to get bored easily(B) and forget many things in a short period. For example, trends of in popular music change quickly in our country compared to in other nations. People in other countries listened to the same hit songs for more than 6 months or even longer. If such citizens like us have the power to vote directly on important selection decisions, the country itself could be become unstable. This is why it is better for the representatives we have chosen to make important judgements.

Second, referenda itself themselves tends tend to cause a mobocracy or Ochlocracy because most people are unfamiliar with politics and do not have knowledge of effective governmental operations.

Moreover, if we hold a referenda, a tremendous amount of money and time are needed. Even when some cases prefer decisions by plebiscite plebiscites, we lack resources, including human resources, making the results meaningless.

These are the reasons why there are few referenda in for making crucial decisions in Japan.


以上です!
このへんの政治ネタは本当に苦手。

でもこうやって苦手だからこそやって
語彙とか表現とか身につけていきたいなと思います。

やってなければずっとわかんないままだもんね。


posted by Jun at 16:59| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Politics is the art of compromise. Do you agree?


英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから添削結果。連投2個目

226695_politics_compromise.png

好評
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント
This is another extremely thoughtful and well-argued essay; thank you for your great efforts. Your writing is impeccable and your errors very subtle and minor!

We can insist "only on our way", but a more common expression is to insist on "our way alone" if we want things to go only our way.

We don't say "contrary" but "on the contrary" to introduce an opposing opinion in a sentence.

There is no need to say "and eventually" - we don't want to start sentences with "and", and "eventually" has the effect of saying "and in the end", so we can just use this word.

Finally, since at the end, you mean "in any given, particular situation", we actually use the article "the" and not "a".

I hope this helps you! Excellent work!


our way aloneはこの機会に覚えちゃいたいです。
では、早速細かく見ていきます



添削結果
I totally agree with the statement that politics is the art of compromise, for several reasons.
First of all, politicians who insist only on their way on their way alone are dangerous on a number of levels. Rarely are these positions based on data or evidence or science.

Contrary On the contrary, effective politicians are pragmatic and pragmatism welcomes compromise. When more than one party discusses a topic, each member gets to know his or her counterpart's arguments, and then they can revise their strategies. And eEventually, they can reach the best solution.

あ〜。his or herを入れないとダメなのか、なるほど!
on the contraryについてはなぜそのようなミスをおかしたのか自分でもわかりません。。

Second, almost all no issues that should be dealt with are not all-or-nothing matters. Let's take an the example of the US military base in Okinawa. Many residents are against keeping the base there because of security reasons. However, due to the location of the Okinawa islands facing to North Korea and China, they need protection by the US military. Even though we hear sometimes sometimes hear sad news about crimes committed by US military soldiers, we have to understand that it this is a political trade-off.
In conclusion, although some people do not like taking (M)a middle way between extremes, I believe compromise is vital to successful politics.


意外とcorrectionは少なかった。

それにしても、コンマが足りない箇所が毎回複数箇所ある。
国語の小学生の作文で句読点がないのと同じことなのだろう。


以上!

posted by Jun at 16:44| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Juggling work, marriage, and childrearing


英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから添削がどんどん戻ってきてるので、またまた「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーの返却結果の復習です。ここから3つ投稿します。
放置したらまたたまっちゃうので。。っていうか、作って覚えようコーナーの頻度が高いから、これくらいになっちゃうんだよねー(笑。週3回かそれくらい。



226110_Juggling.png

評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのコメント
Great job with the essay! I am very proud to see that you had written about such an important topic as gender equality.
For this assignment, I suggest you pay particular attention the corrections regarding sentence structure.

Also, for even more natural English, consider removing first person from your argument. Usually in persuasive and academic essays, words like "I", "me", and "we" are avoided. Instead passive tenses should be used. So, in place of "Also, I believe that the most essential is not to feel guilty about not being able to do everything perfectly," consider the phrasing: Also, removing guilt for not being able to do everything perfectly is essential."


おぉーー!!
これはありがたい。
なんか新しいアドバイス。

一人称使わないほうがいいって
どこかで聞いたことある気がするんだけど
こうやってまともに言われたの初めてかも。

エッセイとかスピーチとか
英検とかTOEFLの試験の特性を考えると
絶対一人称使わないほうが良いってこともない気がするけど
academicな視点からかっこいい文章を作るなら
そのほうが良いよねぇ。

一人称だと幼稚になっちゃうかな。
「あたしはぁ〜、こう思うんですけどぉ〜、てへぺろ」みたいな。
(完全に妄想の世界です)




Also, in regards to your argument in general, in the beginning, you state that "women have achieved gender equality", but your following body paragraphs argue that women still have much to worry about that men do not. Be careful not to contradict yourself in this kind of way.
Keep up the great work!


え!?
contradict myselfしてた!?
ぜんっぜん気付かず。

っていうか、この先生いいね。
論文対策じゃなくて(普通のチケット料金だけで使える自由作文なので)先生側の観点はいつもは文法的な、とか、パラフレーズとか、英語として自然かどうか、とかなんだけど、academicなessayとしてどうか、っていう論理的な構造とか、どう書けばかっこいいか、っていう視点で添削してくれてる!この先生いいねぇ、できれば今後、指名したいくらいだ(別料金なのでやりませんが)。


では、感動はここらへんでおいといて
細かく見ていきましょう。


添削結果

Let me talk about mothers in our country, juggling work, marriage and childrearing child-rearing. Women have gained achieved gender equality in society and a lot of mothers are actually working while raising children. However, I have heard that many of them are experiencing depression from feeling like they are not doing well all the tasks. At work they are required to demonstrate perform excellent performanceexcellently and at home, their children need they are required to provide love, attention, guidance, support and protection to their children. In addition, their partners need them, too.

One of the culprits problems could be deep-rooted cultural assumptions about women's positions roles in and outside home. In Japan, traditional ways of thinking are still predominant when it comes to raising children and doing household chores. For example, when working moms go to work with children left behind and leave their children behind, relatives and even neighbours come to have reservations about the kids' mental and physical development.

この。。
渾身の culprits と 付帯状況のwithがいとも簡単に訂正されてるっていう。。

Another cause might be women's desire to be perfect. They aspire to make some achievement to achieve at work. The reality, however, is totally different. After coming back home, babies are tired and cranky, there are dinner dinners to make, dirty dishes are stacked in the sink from breakfast and a heap heaps of laundry to deal with. Exhausted with these tasks, they might make mistakes at work next day. Then job security can be at risk.

いろいろ直されてる。
areが挿入されてるのは
文を分けちゃったのねー。
あたしはdinnersからlaundryまで1センテンスだったのだけど。
1文が長すぎるという指摘をよくもらうので、
ここもその問題なのかもしれない。


To solve these problems, to involve involving their partners is important. To stay connected with friends and their own mothers is helpful as well. Also, I believe that the most essential is not to feel guilty about inability not being able to do everything perfectly. ItMotherhood is just temporary. Eventually their kids grow and they can be free.

やっぱり直されたか、involvingに。
不定詞を使うのは冒険だったので、そっか、って。

inability はnotっていう否定語を使わなく済むようにがんばったのだけどそうでもなかったみたいね。
not being able

Motherhoodが補われてるから
やっぱりこの先生はかなり中身重視だなぁ。

最後のtheirの除去については
motherhoodを補ったところも含め
一般化してるんだろうなぁ。


以上!

今日はあと2個まとめる


posted by Jun at 16:31| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Is the family becoming obsolete?

フルーツフルイングリッシュ「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーの返却結果の復習です。

family_obsolete_ 225584.png


評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。

先生からのコメント
Hello there,

You make excellent points here - this is a very lucidly-constructed essay. Thank you for working so hard!

In terms of articles, we need to refer to "the" particular traditional family "of" previous times, since you are referring to a particular kind of family; and it is "the" particular option of not getting married - here we can best add "at all" to mean "forever" or "for their whole lives."


あー!なるほど!
そうだね、確かに。

at all
とか
forever
とかつけたい!!



Then, to introduce the main points of your essay, let's state that you have reasons for "believing this" - you believe the statement you are making.


I have a couple of reasons for this.
じゃなくて、ってことね。


Also, "lifestyle" is one word, and you mean that these lifestyles are "varied" - "various" is not ideal, but "varied" is best to mean "really eclectic".


TOEICでも話題になったような気が。。

varied VS. various

That's a good point !
But it's so difficult to distinguish one from the other.

- Varied vs. Various?
- various vs varied

various - several different
several - more than two but not very many
varied - 1. of many different types, 2. not staying the same, but changing often

So "varied is used for one thing which changes over time.
"I have had a long and varied career."

- Varied vs various - Grammarist



Finally, "single status" would require an article, but in the context of this sentence, it's ideal to use the action of "being single." It's "being single" that's more accepted now.

I hope this helps you - really great work here.



ありがとうございます!
ひとつひとつ見ていきたいと思います。


添削結果
I totally agree with the statement that the family is becoming obsolete, especially the traditional family in of most developed countries. I have a couple of reasons for believing this.

あ、ここのofかinかっていうの難しい。。

First off, even though same-sex marriage is not legalized yet in Japan, there is are growning growing number of those who choose to live with their same-sex partners. Also, people now have an the optioin option not to get married for their entire lives.(_E) Understanding and acceptance of such various varied life styles lifestyles are more prevalent, compared to the past.

first off をちょっと初めて使ってみたfirst offデビュー作だった、これ。

そして、a number ofは複数形の名詞がくるから there are じゃん。えw
スペルミスも多いなぁ。。


Furthermore, most women have little desire to get married merely for survival because of their economic independence. They do not rush into marriage, as single status being single In that way is no longer stigmatized. That way, an increasing number of women with college degrees have become career-minded(I) with less interest in finding an ideal partner. People can construct successful lives outside marriage in ways that would have been very difficult to manage 50 years ago.
Even with this far greater range of choices available to them, I personally believe given the current situation, with serious issues of the extremely low birthrate and aging society, something should be done to improve this trend.

あら、、、
That wayは口癖になってた。
簡単に、次へつなげるために便利なので
TOEFL Speakingで使ってたりしたんだけど。


以上です!!
これくらい細かくやっぱり訂正されてこそ、かなーと。

こうやってブログに上げておいて
一番このページを見るのが自分かもしれないなぁ。

勉強記録とかも電車の中とかで見直してます。


posted by Jun at 11:21| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Are food-safety standards strict enough?

フルーツフルイングリッシュに、「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったやつを出しておりました。その返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿4つめ

food_consumption224941.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。



先生からのメッセージ
Hello there,

This is an excellent essay about a very serious topic I think we all need to think more about. Great job.

At (A), we can use "regarding", but the best phrasing for this kind of sentence is "when it comes to ...".

At (C), we believe "that" certain things are true - this is a case where we do need to include the word "that".

At (D), we want to use "every summer" as the time reference clause, and then state what we "commonly hear in the news" - we also use "in the worst case scenario" when we mention extreme consequences.

Restaurant chains are countable, so we don't use "some", but "many" or "several" or "a few here", or even "various."



あ!でた!
またcountableにsomeは使わない、って。


It's most natural to refer to "occasional incidents" or say that "occasionally, there are incidents in which ..."

Finally, I know what you mean to say about the dangers of GM food, and how we usually phrase this is to talk about the "long-term" consequences or effects of doing things, and they they are not known, or unknown.

I hope this helps - wonderful work.


あ〜!!!そうそうlong-term!!!
それは入れないと。


添削結果
Many people are content with the status quo about when it comes to food-safety standards in Japan. They argue that we can depend on the reliability of the food in Japan, protected by strict regulations. I believe, though, that there is still more room to improve the food quality in our country.

First, it is common that every summer every summer, we commonly hear in the news about food poisoning causing many people to get sick or die in the worst case, in the worst case scenario. Some Several restaurant chains sometimes intentionally violate rules at times, which brings about disastrous consequences.(_F)

Second, there are occasionally incidents there are occasional incidents related to food companies, most typically frozen food makers, using production place deception deception at the place of production, as well as forged certificates. Because of this, we cannot trust in what we purchase from supermarkets.

Finally, imported foods food can be harmful. For instance, genetically modified foods pass through inspection because those containing less than 5% of GM crops can be labeled as 'non GM' 'non-GM'. I am afraid of this fact, (K_)since possible results from the long-term effects of eating GM food are still unpredictable not known.

In conclusion, even though Japan is proud of its food safety standards that are strict enough to protect people's lives, something more should be done so that we can believe in what we eat.



以上!!!

まだいくつか復習対象あるんだけど、
次の機会にしようかな。
また今日どこかでできるかな。


posted by Jun at 05:13| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Are consumption taxes a fair way of raising government revenue?

フルーツフルイングリッシュ「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーの返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿3つめ

consumption_tax_ 224602.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのメッセージ
This is a very persuasive essay arguing against the wide use of consumption taxes - I agree with your opinions!

You wrote excellently! You'll see that I added a few commas, so take note of their use above, especially around descriptive clauses, which require them on either end.

After we say what is most logical in the first paragraph, we can most naturally say "for reasons of", though you did not write incorrectly here.

I changed a use of "so" to "therefore" - we can always correctly begin a sentence with "therefore", or join the two sentences and use "so" correctly as a conjunction after a comma.

We can refer to the rate of consumption tax, but it's more efficient and natural to refer to the "consumption tax rate", the way we refer to "computer keyboards" and "strawberry cake", using one noun and an adjective for a second noun.

Finally, in terms of natural phrasing, we want to refer to luxury "goods/items" and the "tax burden" at the end.

I hope this helps you - this is really great work.



じゃ、ひとつひとつ見てみましょう


添削結果
My answer is NO. Most people claim that consumption taxes are the most logical system, because of their for reasons of simplicity and fairness.(_B) Moreover, consumption taxes are known as "sin taxes", as they are usually levied on items like tobacco, alcohol, and other non-essential purchases. However, necessities are still subject to the tax. So Therefore, I believe that necessities are not a fair way shouldn't be taxed.

First of all, consumption taxes impact taxpayers disproportionately even though the tax itself is proportionate. The baseline cost of living does not change as (F)people's income changes. For example, when the rich purchase milk, the price might be negligible for them, but it could be very costly for the poor. From this point of view, consumption taxes are unfair.

In addition, businesses, specifically small businesses, are forced to raise their product prices and service charges according to the (I)consumption tax rate. Due to their being less competitiveness competitive, this could negatively affect their profits. Big businesses, on the other hand, have systems to deal with tax collection, and they always strategically pass along expense increases to customers strategically.

strategically場所が入れ替わってる!

Considering this the unfairness of consumption taxes, I think the government should impose heavier tax taxes on unnecessary, luxury wares items, or they should offer subsidies to the needy in order to relieve their tax burden.

waresがitemsに直されてる!!

だんだん投げやりになってきたわけでは。。。ありませ。。。。N


posted by Jun at 04:48| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

添削結果:Obstacles to nuclear disarmament

「英検スピーチ作って覚えよう」のコーナーで作ったやつ。
フルーツフルイングリッシュの返却結果の復習です。

連続投稿2つめ。



nuclear_disarmament_224136.png


判定
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。



先生からのメッセージ
This is a remarkable essay, and very well argued - you used a very sophisticated vocabulary also, so great job!

By far the biggest issue here is a small one indeed - use of commas. I would suggest reviewing each sentence with an added comma and consider why it was added to mark natural patterns of pausing in both spoken and written English.


ポーズをどこに置くか、て視点で
コンマを配置する。。


Then, we don't want to say "some parts of the world", but "several" is better, because we don't use "some" for countable words, like "parts."


someをcountable に使わないの!??
あ、partsっていう雰囲気の時だけ?

some applesとか言うもんねー。



Also, we need to say, "it is attractive for scientists" when we want to imply that scientists find it attractive to do things.


ん?ここはどうゆうことだ!?


Finally, "deterrence" doesn't quite fit into your last paragraph, but we can have "obstacles to renunciation", which means, things that stand in the way of saying no to nuclear disarmament.

I hope this helps you - very well done!


あ!
obstacles to renunciation!
かっこいい!!


添削結果
I believe there are three main obstacles to nuclear disarmament, while a lot of countries are making huge efforts to discard nuclear weapons.

First, some countries' bureaucrats assert that with nuclear weapons, they can protect themselves in the event of attack. Even up until now, several parts of the world are fighting, and terrorrist terrorist attacks are always threatening nations all over the world. Therefore, they consider their protection more important than nuclear disarmament.

いや!!!
これ、間違えたらあかんやろ!!!
countries'sて!!!
恥ずかしーーーー!!!


Second, in several nations, research and development of nuclear weapons could be a source of national pride. Moreover, on occasion, simply they are attractive for scientists to be content with their achievement in the fieldit is simply attractive for scientists to be content with their achievements in this field.

あ、上のメッセージで書いてあったの、ここね。
it is 形容詞でってことなのかな。


Finally, for disarmament to happen, nuclear material materials must be stored in secure places. We can easily imagine that people do not want them to be located in their neighborhood.
In conclusion, these are three kinds of deterrence to obstacles to the renunciation of nuclear weapons, which is why we are far from peace. kinds of deterrence to renunciation of nuclear weapons that are far from peace., which is why we are far from peace. If we pursue global security, we must be aware of the dangers of nuclear weapons,(K) and the possibility of causing a catastrophe with them.


カンマの指摘されっぷりがすごい!
意識して書いていこう。


posted by Jun at 01:31| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする