ビジネス英会話のビズメイツ!!

2016年07月30日

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Should the Japanese government do more to cement the relations between Japan and China?

英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから戻って来た添削結果を公開。

今日の添削結果4連投目。

お題は。
Should the Japanese government do more to cement the relations between Japan and China?


添削結果

china_234072.png


講評
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのメッセージ
Thank you for another brilliant essay, this time about Japan's relationship with China. It's very well argued, and in a few cases, I was offering you alternate ways of writing, because what you wrote was perfect, as in, writing "more than" or "over", and "more efforts" or "more of an effort."

In terms of your minor issues, we can say "some people" and "a lot of people", but generally, these words are better for uncountable nouns, where "several" and "many" are better for countable nouns.

We can best say that each country claimed the island "belong to their own territories", to refer to this possession; and it's a great and natural expression to refer to people or countries "forging relations".

Finally, we believe "that" certain things are true, like "that the Japanese government should try ..." - like this!

I hope this helps you! Great job!



添削結果内容詳細
 There might be some several people who assert that maintaining a good relationship with China is unnecessary for Japan, but I am for of the opinion that the Japanese government should make more efforts of an effort to build firm relations between Japan and China, for a couple of reasons.

 First of all, the two countries have a serious issue on regarding the disputed Senkaku Islands in the East China Sea. Both are claiming that the islands are belong to their own territories, (which have been raising tensions) and this has caused tension to escalate between them. Given the circumstances, it is absolutely better for them to develop a good relationship. If the two countries have forge closer ties, they will be less likely to go to war with each other.

 Second, despite (recent China's decline in its economic power,) China's recent decline economically, it is still one of the most powerful nations in the world. That means China could bring about (a lot of)many opportunities for Japan to benefit from. For instance, Japanese car (makers) manufacturers can export their products to China to expand their market, which will generate significant profits.

 Finally, North Korea's nuclear program has been a source of great concern for the international community for more than over 20 years, and China is North Korea's only major ally, which accounts for more than 70% of the country's total trade volume. Considering this fact, Japan should do more to cement the relations between Japan and China, in order to secure (protect peace of Asia and all over the world as well.) the protection of peace in Asia and all over the world, as well.
These are the reasons why I believe that the Japanese government should try to establish a close ties with China.



んー、やっぱりカンマをいろいろ追加されてます。
厳しい先生の1人です。

でもこうやって鍛えてもらわないと!


またひきつづき、がんばります!





posted by Jun at 20:22| Comment(4) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Do you think Japan has the right to claim the Northern Territories?

英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから戻って来た添削結果を公開。

今日はIELTS2個と
英検1級2個です。
その3連投目。

お題は。
Do you think Japan has the right to claim the Northern Territories?


添削結果
northern_territories_232967.png

講評
Lv5 PERFECT!✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

先生からのメッセージ
I am sure there will be a lot of debates revolving around this issue. You have written some very valid points.

You have written with immense confidence and the language used is perfect. The vocabulary used is refined and there are no errors.

(A) (B) (C) (D) (E) (F) (G) (H) (I) (J) (K) (L) (M) (N) (O) (P) (Q) …..ALTERNATE EXPRESSIONS

The sentences written by you are absolutely correct and need no change.
I have offered some alternate expressions for the same.


Well done


添削結果内容詳細
 There have been (a lot of discussions and debates about) numerous discussions and debates regarding the Northern Territories among Japanese people. (Although many are calling for) In spite of the fact that many support the right to keep the islands as Japan's property, personally I believe Japan does not have the right to do so for (several) a number of reasons.

 On August 15, 1945, (the Emperor of Japan announced his acceptance of) the Japanese Emperor accepted the Potsdam Declaration. It means Japan's unconditional surrender and sovereignty was limited only to Japan's four main islands and all other smaller islands which would be decided by Allies of World War II. (Then) As a result , Japan (lost) ended up losing the right to ask for the ownership of the Northern Territories.
 (In addition, insisting on Japanese) Furthermore, asserting on Japanese right to own the islands could (destroy the) adversely affect the current good relationship between Russia and Japan. The two nations (never signed a peace treaty after World War II because ) did not sign a peace treaty after World War II on account of this conflict. (However, the dispute has not completely prevented) Nevertheless, the dispute has not entirely stopped bilateral relations from developing. They formally agreed to end the state of war in 1956. Moreover, (there is a significant) both the nations are engaged in a considerable level of economic exchange, including large-scale Japanese investments in energy projects in the Russian islands. Russia, in turn, is offering Japan raw materials.

 Furthermore, Japanese people could cause damage to the ecosystem on the islands (because) considering that natural resources are part of the reason for the dispute. The islands are surrounded by rich fishing grounds and are (thought to have) believed to possess offshore reserves of oil and gas. (There are also several volcanoes and a variety of birdlife) Also quite a few volcanoes and a variety of birdlife exist on these islands. If Japan encroaches on the lands, (people could be harmful to the ecosystem.) the ecosystem could be harmed by the people.
 (These are the reasons why I believe)These are the reasons why I am of the opinion that Japan (does not have the) has no right to claim the Northern Territories.


perfectって単語がどれだけ好きか💕💕💕💓✨✨
しかも添削でいつも甘い感じで
べた褒めしてくれる先生とは違う人だしーー。


嬉しいな。


Neverthelessとかは使えるようになりたい。



posted by Jun at 19:53| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

IELTSライティング Task1 グラフ問題 2 -LIne Graphs-

IELTSのライティングTask1問題を解いて
フルーツフルイングリッシュの自由作文に出して戻って来た添削結果です。
(先生はIELTS対策としての添削はしてません)



No.8 のp.101です。


添削結果
p101_233006.png


講評
Lv5 PERFECT!


先生からのメッセージ
Everything about your writing was excellent, from word choice and expression, to structure and tone.

There were pretty much no mistakes for me to create, and almost nowhere that I could improve upon your language use.

The only two minor complaints I would have are at (A) and (G).

At (A), a colon really isn't necessary here, especially as it is followed by another comma. You don't need to use a comma or any other punctuation in this situation.

At (G), you missed out a preposition. Things are said to stay 'in' positions, so I added 'in', here.

All the other corrections were just alternative suggestions to give you some extra ideas. What you wrote originally was fine.

Good luck with the other tasks.


 
 添削結果内容詳細
The line graphs illustrate changes in four methods of transportation of merchandise over the roughly thirty-year period in the UK: from 1974 to 2002, UK from 1974 to 2002, measured in (four-yearly) four-year intervals. In general, (there was an increase in the amount of goods transported ) the amount of goods transported increased (during)over the three decades. The use of road, water and pipeline saw increases, while rail usage remained (almost the same) practically unchanged.

 Goods transportation by water and railways was approximately the same in 1974, at around 40 million tonnes, but in 1978 'water' saw a dramatic rise to reach about 60 million tonnes in 1984. By 2002, this went up to a high of (just double) roughly twice the railway transportation.

 In 1984, the pipeline usage was less than 10 million tonnes, staying in the lowest position of the four ways to transport goods. However, this steadily increased over the period, reaching to (just) slightly over 20 million tonnes in 2002. The amount of goods transported by road was the most popular throughout the decades. This experienced a steady increase from 1974 to 1994, and then skyrocketed, reaching to a high of just under 80 million tonnes in 2002.


最初は段落とかどうやるの!?
とか思ってましたが、
IELTSの日本語本を買って
あまり気にしなくていいんだなーって。


引き続き、IELTSがんばります!
ライティングだけじゃなくて
4 skills ぜんぶ初なので丁寧に
試験形式を身につけないと。


先生からのメッセージは
冒頭褒められすぎてて有頂天です。




posted by Jun at 19:33| Comment(0) | 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

IELTSライティング Task1 グラフ問題 1 -Pie Charts-

Salah.さんのブログで、
「IELTS Writing Task ➀ 表・グラフ対策に行った全て」
公開されました。
IELTS受験する方はぜひ!


あたしは
これまで6個のTask1問題を書いてみました。
そのうち初期の2つをフルーツフルイングリッシュ添削に出してみたので


今日はぜんぶで4つの添削結果を公開する気でいますが
そのうちIELTSで2つ投稿し、
その後、最近公開が滞ってた英検スピーチ作って暗唱コーナー
添削結果を2つアップします。

IELTSのはこの本からグラフ問題を2つです。
ページ数でいうと、p.53, p.101
Cambridge IELTS 8 Student's Book with Answers: Official Examination Papers from University of Cambridge ESOL Examinations (IELTS Practice Tests)



まずは、p.53のから。


添削結果
p53_233007.png


講評
Lv5 PERFECT!✨

先生からのメッセージ
Just as in your previous essay, your writing here was excellent, and just as in the previous one, there were two small mistakes...

At (G), we spend money 'on' things, not 'for them.

At (H) when using a 'from/to' structure, if there is more than one figure for either part, they should be connected by 'and' rather than separated by a comma.

Also, this time, your use of the colon was correct, as there wasn't any more information after it separated by a comma.

Great job!


いつも通り(英検もそうですが)
これは特定の試験用の添削じゃなくて
自由作文の一番reasonableなやつなので
先生はこれがIELTS用とかそうゆうのは気にしてません
(または意識しないテイで添削してます)

IELTS対策、英検1級エッセイ対策、TOEFL対策、みたいなのを選ぶと
高くなっちゃうからね。
そっちも時々はやりたいけど。

それより、コロンの使い方正しいってのが嬉しい💕✨⤴!


添削内容詳細
  The pie charts demonstrate the changes in proportion of yearly expenditures at a (certain) particular school in the UK, in different years: 1981, 1991 and 2001. Teachers' salaries remained almost (the same) unchanged throughout the period, while other figures experienced (fluctuations) changes.

 During the period, the (percentage of insurance) insurance percentage saw a dramatic increase, from 2% in 1981 up to a high of 8% in 2001. The proportion of expenditure for resources, on the other hand, (significantly went down) was reduced significantly from 15% in 1981 to 9% in 2001, even though (this once) at one time it grew to 20% in 1991.

 The amount of money spent for on furniture and equipment accounted for 15% in 1981, but in 1991 it plummeted to 5%, and then went up to a high of 23% in 2001. Other workers' salaries declined steadily from 28% in 1981, and 22% in 1991, to 15% in 2001. This proportion represented more than a half of teachers' salaries in 1981, but fell to (one third) a mere third of them in 2001.

The Blue words were provided by the teacher.



最近グラフはなかなか良い感じで書けるようになってきたので
地図とかダイアグラムの練習をしようと思います。





fruitful.png

posted by Jun at 19:17| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年07月02日

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Is the extinction of some plant and animal species inevitable?

英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュからの添削結果、2連投目。

あ、またまたカンケーないけど、
これ書いてる間はPodCastで、
ニュースをいろいろかけてるんですが
BBCとかCNNとか豪ABCとかCBCとか。
あとはディベート番組とか
All Ears Englishとかも

で、そのなかでUKのEU脱退 (Brexit)の話で

There is no going back.

って出てきました!

最近ここ1ヶ月2ヶ月で覚えた表現です✨。


はい、また話がそれました。digress


提出+添削結果
extinction_ 231095.png

講評
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのメッセージ
This is a great piece of essay writing about extinction. Excellently done!



Excellently done!!!


In a few cases, you wrote perfectly and I just wanted to offer you suggestions. For example, we can say that something "should be done" or "should happen" - both work well!

In fact, your major issue was over use of commas, so I'd like to review at length here:



over use of commasをおそれて、使えてない、ってことなのかな。
今回もたくさん追加されてます。


at length =〔説明などが〕長々と、詳細に
ありがとうございます。



There are several instances that require commas in a sentence. We need a comma after time markers that appear at the beginning of a sentence, like “This year, Today, Yesterday, This morning, Last night, Finally, Usually”, and so on. We also use commas after regular markers like “actually, however, therefore,” and so on. We also use them, as you know, to mark the natural pause in a sentence, say, before moving on to a next sequence of action, or offering a purpose or a reason for something. And let’s not forget that we need to put commas on both ends of descriptive clauses, such as those beginning with “which is” and “who is.”



ついさっきの復習記事で言われましたね。



Finally, we are specifically looking for an adverb for your last word, so "altogether" is the perfect spelling!

I hope this helps you - great work!


あ、、altogether
スペルミス。。。っていうか1単語かーーorz


添削後
 Some people claim that the extinction of some animals and plants can be avoided, but I believe the opposite is true. Let me explain why.

 First of all, species can be exterminated all the time anyway. As well as individual species dying out,In addition to individual species dying out, there have been five mass extinctions up until now. The most recent one, 65 million years ago, took out the dinosaurs. This is part of natural selection. Moreover, it is said that the sixth one will happen in the near future. Therefore, we cannot stay away from avoid extinction, to some extent.

 Second, the budget budgets and resources, including human resources for conservation of endangered species are limited, even though all the nations in the world are currently working hard and cooperatively to solve this problem. Some of them are consumed with more serious issues such as combatting combating against terrorist attacks or eliminating poverty and racial discrimination.

 However, we should take this potential disappearance of some certain animals seriously and something more drastic should be done happen for conservation. Species are now going extinct far faster than they used to and we, human beings, seem to be to blame. Considering that humans are at the top of the food chain, unless we stop the current trend, all the species on the planet, including humans, could vanish all together altogether.



stay away fromのところは
avoidをつかうとワンパターンかなーと思って
パラフレーズしてみた結果でした。

以上〜。



posted by Jun at 16:19| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:What role should the United Nations play in international politics?

英検1級2次試験がいよいよ1週間後になりました。
この添削も20をこえてきたので、添削結果で音読して
復習しつつ、本番に備えたいと思います。

では、直近で
英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュから戻って来たものを2つ連続で公開。


提出内容+添削結果
un_roles_ 230553.png


講評

Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのメッセージ
This is a brilliant essay about the UN - you should be amazingly proud of how well-written and argued this is!




添削とは直接関係ないけど
んーーやっぱりこうゆう形容詞とか副詞とかを
さりげなく、いちいち、いつも使いたいですねー。
brilliantとかproudにamazinglyとか。
これじゃなくていいけど、でも、それもある、っていう。
先生も別に何も考えずに使ってるだろうし。

最近自分で作って、暗唱してー、とか
添削してもらって、とかしてると
人の英文(BBCとかのニュースとかも)
しゃべってるものも書かれてるものも
どんなふうに、形容してるか、っていうことが
かなり気になるし、
くっつければいいってもんじゃないけど
表現豊かにいろいろ伝えようとすると
そうなるんだなーって。
でも、くどい感じでもなくて、っていう。

ネイティブすごいなー(当たり前だけどw
って。

聞きながら、読みながら
参考になる部分を無意識に意識的に
探したり、メモしたり、
で、次に自分でも使ってみたり
それが冒険的であれば
指摘され修正すればいいだけのことで
そうやって磨きをかけていくのかな、って。

その意味で、海外ドラマとか映画とか見て
気になる表現とかを抜き出して
自分で使おうとしてみるってことも
いいな〜って思ってます。

はい、話がだいぶそれました
I digressed from the subject.


There was very little that needed correcting here!

I wanted to mention that you are not wrong to say "it" when referring to the UN, since it is one organization, but since it is made up of many nations and many people, we would tend to use "they" when referring to the UN.

Since we needed to add several commas, I'd like to review these at length, just as a refresher.

In English, there are several instances that require commas in a sentence. We need a comma after time markers that appear at the beginning of a sentence, like “This year, Today, Yesterday, This morning, Last night, Finally, Usually”, and so on. We also use commas after regular markers like “actually, however, therefore,” and so on. We also use them, as you know, to mark the natural pause in a sentence, say, before moving on to a next sequence of action, or offering a purpose or a reason for something. And let’s not forget that we need to put commas on both ends of descriptive clauses, such as those beginning with “which is” and “who is.”

Finally, we need to say that countries "could become" inhospitable, and this means that countries have the chance (in the future) of becoming this way.

I hope this helps you! Really nice work!



またまたカンマ指摘されちゃいました。
意識が足りないかな。。

いろいろ列挙して
let’s not forget that
でつなげるのもいいね!
(添削じゃないけど)


 添削詳細
It is clear that the United Nations should play numerous roles in international politics, but personally, I believe that the promotion of peace and security, preservation of the environment, and protection of human rights are its most important responsibilities, among other things.

 First of all, the United Nations has made enormous, positive contributions in maintaining international peace and security, and has been successful to prevent in preventing major wars, such as World World 2. But However, given that global conflicts and terrorist threats are even increasing now, the UN should make bigger greater efforts to secure a peaceful world.

 Second, environmental protection is another key role for the United Nations. It They should help developing countries enhance their technologies and financial power, and at the same time, the UN. should pursue sustainable development all over the world. Otherwise, human beings would become extinct. For instance, unless air pollution in China or India is solved through intervention by the United Nations, these countries could come to be inhospitable become inhospitable.
 
 Finally, human rights are being abused in several countries, particularly in Africa and Asia. Since the causes are complexed complex, a single country is not reliable enough to solve this problem. For instance, in some countries, very young children are forced to work and cannot be educated properly. The United Nations should handle this issue, eliminating poverty and helping those countries offer appropriate education, not only to children but also to adults, in order to teach the importance of human rights.

 In conclusion, while there has been a lot of success achieved by the United Nations, a number of serious issues still remain unsolved. Therefore, more should be done by the United Nations in international politics.

これ、カンマの指摘がなくなれば
赤字がだいぶ減るような。。。。


以上!
もう1個続けます。




posted by Jun at 15:56| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする

2016年06月28日

英検1級二次スピーチ添削結果:Where do you stand on the issue of US military bases in Okinawa


英検1級二次試験まであと。。2週間を切りました。
intensiveextensiveにやっていきたいと思います。

英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュからの添削結果を見てみましょう。


提出したもの
229891_Okinawa_USMilitary.png


評価
Lv4 ほとんどネイティブの書いた英文と同じレベルに達しています。


先生からのメッセージ

After going through the points written by you, I too feel that these military bases have more disadvantages than advantages.
After all, why should any other foreign country have its presence in some country?

You have written exceptionally well. The topic is not easy to write on but you have managed to write very impressively. The sentences have been constructed with a lot of clarity. There is just one error that I found

(O)PREPOSITION
While talking of a place, use the preposition “in"

For e.g.
“She was born in France but later shifted to China”
“They will be celebrating his birthday in Italy”
“There are a lot of foreigners in India”


(A) (B) (C) (D) (E) (F) (G) (H) (I) (J) (K) (L) (M) (N) (P) (Q)…….ALTERNATE EXPRESSIONS

The sentences written by you are correct and need no change.

I have offered some alternate expressions

Well done



うん、なかなか良かったのかもしれません。



添削結果

alternative expressionsは青いほうが先生です。

 There have been (a lot of discussions about)numerous debates regarding whether or not (Japan needs US military forces to stay) there is a requirement of the US military forces in Okinawa. (To be honest) Frankly speaking , I am (against it for a couple of ) not in favor of it for a number of reasons.

 First, the citizens in Okinawa (have a lot of problems related to) face several problems on account of the US military bases, such as pollution, toxic contamination, noise, crimes, and decades of traffic accidents and aircraft crashes. They are(fed up with) sick and tired of such troubles caused by US bases. (Furthermore) What's more (_G), many Japanese women were raped by US soldiers and also some were killed. All of these have been (tormenting Japanese people, especially,) distressing Japanese people, particularly,() of course, those in Okinawa for many years.

What's moreとかいいかも!
いつも使わないし。

 Second,(allowing US force to stay in Okinawa means) permitting US force to stay in Okinawa suggests that Japan is still a military colony of the United States. (After the end of the World War 2) Once the World War 2 ended, Okinawa had been under a 27-year American occupation, but now it belongs to Japan. However I have (heard that currently) come to understand that presently most of the expenditure of the U.S. military comes from Japanese taxpayers' money. It is (an unnecessary burden imposed) a needless liability forced on Japanese people, while the US is taking advantage of its position.

 Finally, some argue that US military bases play (an essential role to protect) a crucial role in guarding Japan from attacks from other countries, such as North Korea, but in the event of a serious contingency, (it is doubtful) I am highly unsure as to whether or not they are powerful enough to prevent threats to Japan because US forces assigned to US bases on in Okinawa are too small to deter such dangers.

うんうん、そりゃそうだよね。
いや、言い訳しておくと、これは調査時にいろいろサイト見てて
どこかで on を使ってて、
へぇ、onとかいうの?って思ってそのまま使ってみたんだよね。

違和感はあったけど。
inに修正されてて良かった。
疑問解決!



(In conclusion)To conclude , even though there may be several advantages of having US military bases in Okinawa such as deterrence, I am (pessimistic of the future of Okinawa with) not very hopeful about the future of Okinawa in the presence of US military bases.


たまには、To conclude で終わるのもいいね。
いっつも同じだし。


以上!


posted by Jun at 15:49| 英作文 | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする