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2016年03月17日

TOEFLライティング添削結果 Fruitful English

英作文のフルーツフルイングリッシュで、
論文対策」→「TOEFL」を診てもらいました。

independentで、400語くらいかな、書いたのは。
e-raterでのポイントアップを狙って、何単語を混ぜたかったんだけど、なんかトピック的に難しく。

トピックはこれ。
Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improve the way people live? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

添削前

These days food has become easier to prepare. Some argue that this has negative impacts on people's lives. Others (A) contend that the opposite is true. If asked, both groups would present convincing reasons to substantiate their (B) stance. I believe that this change has (C) enhanced the way modern people live. I feel this way for two reasons which I will (D) explore in the following parts. First, it (E) made our lives more efficient than in the past. Second, the shift has made (F) us easily accessible to various kinds of food.
First, by shortening the time to prepare meals, people have (G) come to be able to spend more time to work, study, or just (H) feel relaxed watching TV. Otherwise, they (I) have to keep themselves busy (J) in thinking (K) about what to cook, when to start (L) preparation and where to buy the ingredients, (M) when the preparation time is long. When I was a small child, my mother (N) was usually complaining about household chores, especially cooking. (O) However, nowadays, she (P) is living her life easier because she does not have to (Q) remain concerned about the time to cook (R) and instead, she can enjoy reading books or taking care of (S) the flowers in the garden. This example demonstrates (T) that (U) faster preparation time for food has (V) made us living more efficiently.
Second, by streamlining the (W) way of cooking, a lot of companies are now offering a wide variety of food (X) and it has enabled us to try (Y) cooking rare cuisine (Z) which is difficult to prepare and we could not have at home. For instance, a kind of French soup, vichyssoise, or one of the most famous Chinese (A1) cuisine, Peking duck, require (B1) us a lot of ingredients and some special equipment to prepare. However, we can purchase (C1) preparation kit at (D1) supermarket nowadays and enjoy (E1) almost authentic taste of globally renowned food at home. This illustrates that easily prepared (F1) meal of famous cuisine enables us to enjoy a variety of cuisine at home.
In conclusion, I feel that it is beneficial for us to be able to (G1) reach food that is easily prepared. This is because by reducing (H1) time to prepare, we can spend more time to do other things (I1) which leads us to live effectively (J1) and by facilitating the way of preparation, we can enjoy different kinds of food from all over the world (K1). For the (L1) reasons explored above, I believe that food (M1) easily cooked has enhanced the quality of our lives.


で、先生からの指摘

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メッセージは。

難語ですか?試験官にとって速読の妨げになるような難語の使用は慎みましょう。

長いセンテンスを好む傾向が見られます。意味が完結したところで、別センテンスにする習慣を付けた方が、早く、誤りの少ない作品が書けるようになります。

論文は、随所に命題の言い回しを嵌めこんだ方が、分かり易く出題者の意向に沿った作品になり易いです。

実力は相当に高いレベルにあります。上記のようなテクニックを参考にして目標の得点を取得して下さい。




添削結果はこんな感じになります。


These days food has become easier to prepare. Some argue that this has negative impacts on people's lives. Others (A) disagree. If asked, both groups would present convincing reasons to substantiate their (B) views. I believe that this change has (C) improved the way modern people live. I feel this way for two reasons which I will (D) describe in the following parts. First, it (E) has made our lives more efficient than in the past. Second, the shift has made (F) various kinds of food easily accessible.
First, by shortening the time to prepare meals, people have (G) become able to spend more time to work, study, or just (H) relax and watch TV. Otherwise, they (I) will always be busy, (J) thinking (K) what to cook, when to start (L) preparations and where to buy the ingredients. (M) Preparations will take a long time. When I was a small child, my mother (N) usually complained about household chores, especially cooking. (O) Nowadays, however, she (P) has more time to enjoy her life because she does not have to (Q) stick to a fixed cooking time. (R) Instead, she can enjoy reading books or taking care of (S) flowers in the garden. This example demonstrates (T) how (U) a shorter time for food preparation has (V) improved the way people live.
Second, by streamlining the (W) pre-cooking process, a lot of companies are now offering a wide variety of food. (X) This has enabled us to try (Y) rare cuisine, (Z) one thing that was difficult to do before but is now possible at home. For instance, a kind of French soup, vichyssoise, or one of the most famous Chinese (A1) dishes, Peking duck, (B1) requires a lot of ingredients and some special equipment to prepare. However, we can purchase (C1) a preparation kit at (D1) a supermarket nowadays and enjoy (E1) authentic taste of globally renowned food at home. This illustrates that easily prepared (F1) exotic food enables us to enjoy a variety of cuisine at home.
In conclusion, I feel that it is beneficial for us to be able to (G1) access food that is easily prepared. This is because by reducing (H1) the time to prepare, we can spend more time to do other things. (I1) This enables us to live a more productive life. (J1) By improving the process of preparations, we can enjoy different kinds of food from all over the world (K1) more easily. For the (L1) above reasons, I believe that food (M1) easier to prepare has enhanced the quality of our lives.



印刷してよーーく復習したいと思います。


あたしの英語は、不自然な点が多い。。



posted by Jun at 06:24| TOEFL | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする